What a beautiful day to be alive!!

The sun is shining (every now and then) and the air is crisp and cool...a perfect fall day.

I slept well last night and woke up this morning feeling okay. Let me clarify by saying I am not going to run a marathon but the nausea is managable and the headache is under control. Dr. Younis gave me a couple more prescriptions yesterday that are helping control some of the other side effects, so overall the outlook is good! I am going to be smart and not vacuum, dust or clean the bathrooms but just relax and enjoy the day. I am going to take one of the meals out of the freezer for supper that my wonderful friends have made and put my feet up. I might not even get dressed to day (gasp!). This takes some discipline on my part but the resulting good health is worth it.

I am not mortified today, maybe just surprised at myself for revealing a vulnerable moment to the whole world. I am not afraid of dying and I say that with all honesty because I know I go to be with my Lord and isn't that our ultimate goal ? I guess when they use the word "terminal" and tell you that this treatment is all they can do it knocks you for a loop. I feel I have unfinished business here on earth. My baby is only 3! I want to see my sweet boys grow up to be beautiful men! I want to see my children get married and hold my grandchildren! Grow old with my husband!

So I guess I have to trust in the Lord that that is His will too and have faith that if it is not, He will look after every thing. I don't mean to sound defeatist because I have always been a fighter. My name after all means warrior. But when your journey reveals a possible pathway you need to explore it and come to terms with it. Look everything in the face and say Lord whatever your will I am ready.

That is what I had to do last night. But have no fear wonderwoman is back today (I just have to laugh out loud at that!) and all is well with my soul. God is good in so many ways. He is the ultimate doctor and healer.

I had a good cry reading all your emails and comments and feel so blessed to have friends and family who are so supportive and caring. I can't tell you what a blessing it is to read them. Relationships and friendships are growing that may not otherwise have done so if not for this cancer and for that I am thankful.

October is a month to be thankful and I have so much to be thankful for!

Chemo # 5

Well chemo number 5 is done!! My LAST and FINAL chemo is scheduled for October 20! This one went well except for the fact that my chart went MIA on route between my Ocologist appointment (1st floor) and the chemo pharmacy (11th floor), where they review my chart and prepare the chemo drugs, thus my chemo was delayed by 2 hours. No big deal, it eventually got sorted out. I have to confess that I am actually feeling physically okay at the moment so I am optimistic that this is going to be a good one.

I have a feeling this is going to be a "pour my heart out" rambling kind of blog because at the moment I an under the influence of some pretty serious drugs and I am feeling kind of down. Okay, I admitted it, but I can honestly say that it is very rare that I let this whole thing get me down. I am usually a very upbeat person who finds a weird sense of humour in most everything. I find it funny that people think I am some kind of wonderwoman going through this when I am just a mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, etc. doing what she needs to do. I don't see the point of moaning and complaining about something that is beyond my control.

I guess this is where the problem comes in. I admit it, I am somewhat of a control freak (oh, this is a night of revelations!). I am "controlling" this by learning and reading everything I can about breast cancer and treatments, etc. I want to be informed and know what is going on. I deal so much better when I know what to expect and today I was blind sided by something I should have known. Maybe I knew and just didn't process it. I am a literal person so if you beat around the bush or try the subtle approach I probably won't get it (maybe that is a blonde thing, teehee) so if it wasn't in plain english I might have missed it.

I met with the lady leading the radiation study I am considering. She went over the consent form and study guidelines. She outlined the followup protocol which includes measurements of my arms, bloodwork, xrays and mammagrams over a 5 year period. It got me to thinking about the fact that once all my treatments are over there is no more testing. I have had CAT scans, bone scans and every kind of xray going to rule out cancer in other parts of my body. This confirms that the breast cancer is the only detectable tumor and the primary cancer site. But once every thing is done they don't followup with any of these tests to see if there is a reoccurance anywhere within the "five year" cancer free mark!

You see the cancer could be there now but on the microscopic level hence the chemothereapy to provide a systemic treatment to my whole body. But because of the type of cancer I have they have given me a 25% chance of reoccurance. Meaning I have a 1 in 4 chance the chemo won't work and these cancer cells could grow somewhere else in my body. It usually goes to the best blood source, the liver, bones, brain or lungs. I have always said that if that happens, well it's just another hurdle and we will fight that too. So today I asked my Oncologist if they don't do any testing how will they know if it comes back, other than any symtoms I might experience? I mean, its best to find these things early right?

His answer is what floored me....if it comes back, it doesn't matter if they find it one month or 3 months later, the result is the same, it is terminal!

Whoo, where is that in all the books I read. Did everyone know this but me! But wait, it's okay, because sometimes they can help women with metastic cancer live 10 or 15 years (this is said with a great deal of sarcasim on my part!). You know, if I was 70 or 80 this would fill me with a sense of relief but at 38 I'm not feeling it.

They can help me with any cancer side effects I might have, like pain, but there is no further treatment available. The reason makes sense once he explained it to me. Once cancer spreads to another area, like the bones, it doesn't become bone cancer, it is still breast cancer. If they biopsy the bone, it contains breast tissue and breast cancer cells not bone cancer cells. Bone cancer is not just because it is located in the bone it is because it is a totally different kind of cancer. So it won't respond to bone cancer treatment because it is still breast cancer. Right now they are hitting me with their best...or worse...stuff and if it doesn't work now at the microscopic stage it's not going to. Does that all make sense? I find it fascinating but I always loved biology and stuff like that. I just wish it wasn't my body it was happening to.

So if I had been prepared for his answer I might not be having such a hard time with the answer. While I am trying to get my "head around it" my heart is telling me to have faith. To not lean on what the doctors or my head is saying but on what Jesus teaches me. So I need to go pray and find comfort in the Lord because no matter how wonderful everyone in my life is, noone and nothing can provide what the Lord can.

"Do not worry about anything; instead pray about everything." Phil 4:6 (thanks for the verse, Annette :o) I needed it tonight).

I'm sure I am going to be mortified tomorrow when I am feeling more like myself and I read this but for now it has helped a little to ramble.
Love to all for your support and prayers.

Happy Birthday to Sara!!

Well, our little baby turns 3 today (7:32 pm to be precise!). The time flies by so fast. Someone reminded me on her birthday that it is only 2 years before she starts school....my heart still races when I think about that. Before long she'll be a teenager!!!

For several weeks before her birthday she kept telling everyone she was having a pony party. While this was not what I had planned she was very persistant. She wasn't really able to tell me what a pony party entailed but she was quite sure about the pony cake. So a pony cake it was, along with pin the tail on the donkey, Polly Pocket pony, My Little pony, Barbie pony and of course, a real pony (or horse) ride with her best bud Mackenzie. She seemed thrilled with everything so I think I lived up to the pony party expectations.

We had the acutal party on Sunday after church so we will just have a quiet mini party tonight to celebrate. A friend up the road, Jean, made a beautiful Lion King cake for her for tonight. Sara thinks her birthday is one week long event as she has been getting gifts just about every day. She is heading down to her Nana's house tomorrow so the party will just continue on into the weekend!

While she may not have been planned by us, she is a true blessing from the Lord. That was definitely a time when the Lord knew better than we did what we needed in our lives. She continues to bring joy to us everyday. Happy Birthday Sweet Pea!!


A little side note: My bloodwork came back okay. Prayer works!!Kentville is a little concerned about the cold and thinks Halifax may not proceed with my chemo. Whats my favorite saying..."Don't tell God how big your mountain is, tell that mountain how big your God is." 

It was bound to happen!

Last week Sara came down with a cold. I was very careful to wash all of our hands constantly, not drink from the same glasses, no lip kissing, etc.

Well it didn't work. I have been fighting a sinus cold since Sunday. I had a couple of really miserable days but I think I am starting to turn the corner. I took it easy today and am feeling a little better. Those Advil liquid gels for colds are wonderful. Sara still has a bit of a runny nose but is doing great.

I go for bloodwork tomorrow so say a little prayer that my counts are not too low from fighting this cold. They usually call me within 2 hours with the results so I'll have an idea of whats going on then. I am hoping most of the symptoms will be gone by Friday as they won't do my chemo if I am sick or my counts are too low. While I don't really enjoy the chemo, I don't want it postponed. Its just putting off the inevitable.

I see the Radiation Oncologist on October 13. They will do a CAT scan and tatto the markings in preparation for the radiation treatments. I always said I would never get a tatto but I am about to get 4-7 of them on my chest area. Granted they are only the size of moles so I guess I can live with them. Maybe they could do them in the shape of a ladybug!

My good friend, Leanne, sent me a beautiful card with this scripture verse inside...

"...We can be sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." Romans 8:28

AMEN!

Guess who's another year older?

Happy Birthday Kim! Have a great day. Love ya! 

For Rhea....

The "Too Much Fun" letter project gang!!! 

Group Shot

 

The Teal House Reunion!

I drove down to Hubbards today to have lunch at the Trellis Cafe (my former competition across the street) with the ladies who worked with me at The Teal House, most them for seven years. They did more than work with me...they ran the place!! And were more than just employees...but good and dear friends.

I am ashamed to say that we haven't seen each other for over a year. We've kept in touch via email, Canada Post and Aliant but have not physically seen each other. There is no excuse for that so I'm not even going to try. All is can say is that the "cancer thing" prompted this visit and for that I am grateful. It makes you evaluate whats important in life and promts you to take action instead of putting things off.

We had a wonderful visit, catching up on all the news and gossip and looking at photos. We said we would get together again before Christmas and I am vowing to do just that!!

Thanks Yvonne, Jenny, Vicki, Gail, Rose and Corinne for a great time.
I love you guys!!! 

Too Much Fun!

This is my Too Much Fun project. You use Mod Podge to adhere scrapbook paper to wooden letters and then decorate with photos and embellishments. Not bad for my first try...I can't wait to try some Christmas letters....JOY or NOEL!! This might be a good gift idea...mmm!

We had a great group that evening, Rhea does a super teaching job and it was a really fun night out. Sorry I don't have the group shot, Rhea, Kelsey hasn't brought her camera down yet. Stay tuned! 

Finally...

Finally, here are some photos of our spur of the moment trip to Brier Island.

This is the long trail down to see the famous Balancing Rock on Long Island.


You walk this long trail through the woods then reach these wooden stairs. There are 243 stairs down to the rocky coastline.

Notice to the left of us the long, narrow rock barely balancing on the small rock underneath it. The coastline is breathtaking and we saw a group or pod of dolphins jumping and playing just in front of us.

On Brier Island near Seal Cove the boys left their mark...an inuikshuk (sp?).


If you ever get the chance, take a trip there. There are no tourist things to do but lots of hiking trails, rocky and sandy beaches and cool things to see. The kids are planning another trip next year. 

My Frame Project

I am so pleased with how this turned out. What cute kids I have!!!

My Back Door

Last week the weather turned cold. I dug out sweaters and all my fall decorations and flags. I took down my summer wreath and hung my autumn wreath up and got my back door all ready for fall. I admired the changing colors of the leaves on the trees and the brisk chill in the air.

Well yesterday (and today) I had to get my sleeveless t shirts and shorts back out because it is blazing hot. Whats going on? Not that I'm complaining because I quite like the warmth but its a little confusing...thats Nova Scotia for you.

I made my husband a big batch of mustard pickles yesterday. It was truly a labor of love because I don't like them and can barely stand the smell of them. Plus I sliced my thumb while cutting the onions...which I don't like either...and it bleed something fierce as a result of my low plateletts. I know he will enjoy every bite so I guess it was worth it.
Sara has developed a taste for them too so both her and her Daddy will be in pickle heaven.

I am going to a class at the scrapbooking store "Too Much Fun" tonight and I am so excited. We are going to decorate big wooden letters with scrapbook paper and embellishments. I am doing the word HOME. Kim W. , Kelsey and I are having a girls night out with supper and then the class. We booked this several months ago and I can't believe the class night is here already. The days are slipping by so quickly. Christmas is going to be here before we know it.

Last night Kim W. and I went to a "Stampin Up" party at Charmin's home. While it is great to make a card, order some more stamping supplies (woowhoo!) and eat some really good chocolate brownies....it is even better to get together with some great friends.

That is what I am thankful for today...good friends. 

The Red Chest

I was at Bargain Harley's the other day and got this little red chest and I just LOVE it. I have it sitting on my scrapbook table and get a little thrill everytime I look at it. Every now and then I get the best little treasures there. I want to do this room a country red, ok maybe not all the walls just one focal wall, so everytime I see something that might go with the "design scheme" I snatch it up.

Yesterday was a better day in the health department. While still having some nausea, indigestion and diarrhea I had more energy and felt more like myself. Today is even better!!! As Randy says, its mind over matter. I am looking forward to the next couple of weeks, Yippee!!

Congratulations to Marty and Shannon and family. The party was wonderful and your new house feels like a home already...very cozy, welcoming and full of love.

I hear the kids stirring so we are off to get ready for church. The kids are all excited to start their new Sunday School classes. 

Erin, this ones for you!!!

Erin wanted me to post a new blog and I don't have any new photos downloaded (too lazy) and I just couldn't think of anything right now but after talking to her yesterday I just thought I'd give her little 10 week belly something to look forward to. Yup thats me...3 years ago today...ready to burst!!! Wow, what a size...but great hair though! Erin, make sure you take belly photos each month. I didn't have any with the first two but Andrew took pictures with Sara and its a great record. 

The Tree Frogs

The boys are back in school and we are getting back into the routine again. There are not many things that I hate but homework is at the very top. The first week of school and Andrew has a book report due. I'm trying to find the positive I really am!!!!

This chemo was and continues to be the most challenging. I've had a much harder time bouncing back. A week later and I am still having nausea, weakness, diarrhea, headaches.....and just an overall yucky feeling. I was told that as the chemo goes on your body sometimes has a harder time dealing with it and getting back to normal. I am determined to feel better by this weekend!!! I just have to remember that I only have two more to go. The next one will be number 5...can you believe that. When you put things in perspective you can deal with anything.

Mom and I (with a little help from the kids) picked apples in our orchard yesterday so this morning I made and preserved cinnamon apple sauce. Let me just say that I didn't need to burn any candles today...the smell in the house was devine. I am going to pick up a ham for supper tonight...apple sauce and baked ham, yum. Add a scalloped potato or a mac and cheese and what a way to start the weedend.

I love this photo. I took individual photos of them too and they turned out really well. I bought a long black frame a long time ago that has four openings in it just waiting for the right photos. I think these might be the ones. I just wish I had of coordinated the outfits better but this was a spur-of-the-moment-up-in-the- tree kind of photo shoot. It couldn't be more real! 

Chemo Update

Just a quick blog to let you know all is well. Yesterday I had bloodwork done at 11:15, met with my Oncologist at 12:00 and had chemo at 2:30. He is pleased with my blood counts and agreed to reduce the Zofran which was originally 8ml, which he doubled to 16 last time and he reduced to 12 this time. It seems a more manageable dose. The headache and spaciness is a bit better but of course it means the nausea is a little more intense too. That's okay, its only for a short period of time and you kind of have to balance things off...nausea verses the loopiness. The best way to describe it is like having the flu so I am taking it easy this weekend and hope to be back at it Monday.

I have started to get some new hair growth but don't get excited yet, they said it was probably going to come out before the end of all this. My head just looks kind of weird right now (more so than usual). I have blotchy patches of dark stubble, some longer strands of really light new growth which is not growing straight up but kind of branching out wherever and little red bumps all over which they said is called something I can't spell but is basically similar to when you shave your legs or bikini line and get that bumpy rash. Its really attractive...I'm still going out bald though and hoping that I'm going to start a new hair trend or lack of hair trend.

Mom and Dad took Sara home with them this weekend and Derek and Kim have the boys. I am so blessed to have my family so willing to help out and the kids get so excited when they get to have sleepovers. They get spoiled rotten while they are away so no wonder they love going. Its not much fun at home for them when I am sick...they have to be quiet because I am resting so much and don't really understand why I can't do things. It gives me such peace of mind to know the kids are being cared for so well, I can just rest and get well for when they come back home.

Another period started so I have held off the menopause threat for another month, YEEHAW! Chemo and my period at the same time...sometimes life doesn't see fair but I AM NOT GOING TO COMPLAIN. I am blessed beyond and while sometimes I really need to search to find the good I know that He has a great plan.

Four down with two to go. Thank you for your prayers. While I admit I get a little sick to my stomach on chemo day, knowing what I am going to have to go through...I know I can do it...I have lots of strength with some in reserve and I am in this for the long haul :o) Bring it on....

The Flirt

My cousin, Dianne and her husband Norm arrived for a quick visit from Ontario. They were on a sheep buying trip and made a detour to the valley. I haven't seen them for years and Sara has never seen them at all. We did a quick tour of the farm and then went to Wheaton's for lunch (thanks again Norm!). It was so good to have a visit with them and I can't wait till next summer for our family get together on PEI (Kim C., we have plans to make).

Sara, who is normally quite shy of men, took instantly to Norm and flirted outrageously with him. She was quite willing to go with him in his truck when they were leaving. Days later she is still talking about "Norman" and carrying around the plush pony he bought her. I can't wait to remind her of this, her first crush, when she is older. 

Lets get crazy

This is how crazy we are...Yesterday Randy took the day off work, we packed a picnic lunch and set off to take the kids to Upper Clements Park for the day...but wait...upon arrival UCP is closed for the season!!!!! So we went to the picnic grounds and ate our lunch and sulked for a bit.

Randy started looking thru the NS Tour Book and said he had an idea.
We started driving and two ferries later we ended up on Brier Island, spent the night at the beautiful lodge there and arrived home today. We had a wonderful time...saw whales breaching, hiked to Seal Cove and saw seals, walked the beach picking shells and rocks, hiked to see the Balancing Rock, (on Long Island), browsed some great little shops. I filled a whole photo card on my camera (200 pictures) and made some great memories. The kids are already talking about going back again.


The kids start school on Friday (I know, why Friday?) and I have my 4th chemo the same day, so this little surprise trip couldn't have been a better way to end the summer.

After the kids go to bed I'll post some photos. Oh, we had such a great time.

Waiting Again

This is what Randy does alot...sits and waits for me. This is at the chemo centre during one of my treatments. He has gone to every Dr.'s appointment and consultation, scan and xray, surgery and followup, treatment and bloodwork. He keeps saying how great it is that we are getting to spend so much time together.

When you get married and say the words "in sickness and in health" you don't really know the full extent of what that might mean. He has been so supportive...he laughs and cries with me and looks after me when I'm sick (that's an amazing man who can clean up after you, yuk), we pray together and he holds my hand through everything. Like all marriages, ours has had its rocky times and I sometimes think that something like this could work either way...to pull you apart or bring you closer together. I told him once that he didn't sign up for this and this would be too much for some people to handle. He smiled and said its a good thing he's not some people. This man has stepped up to the plate and I couldn't love him more. I am seeing a new side of him and I am so proud of him.

The Lord has taken something awful and is making something wonderful!!!

And Randy loves me too...bald head and scars included!!! 

The Princess and the frog

In so many ways Sara is such a girlie girl...she loves makeup and nail polish, loves Barbies and Polly Pockets, loves feeding her babies, is always cuddling one of her dolls or her stuffed bunny, loves dressing up and SHOES!!! that girl has an addiction.
But give her a snake, worm or frog and she is in her element. She'll say, "Oh Mommy, isn't that chute (cute)!". She is right in there with the boys catching and holding. I caught this poor frog one day and she didn't want to let it go, course neither did the boys. He was well loved during the time we had him. Just look at his face, isn't he cute?! 

More Digby Photos

This is a great family shot but who is that person coming over the rocks....why does that always happen to me?







To keep me from having a complete heart attack, Randy kept Sara on his shoulders. Good idea!!
Do you see Lauren there by the railing? Ha Ha. 

Digby Lighthouse

I know it has been awhile since I posted anything, and believe me I've heard about it, but its really a good thing. It means I am feeling well and I'm running the roads or busy outside.Not stuck inside in bed or by the computer.

After taking Randy's sister's daughter, Lauren, to the Digby ferry terminal we went up to the lighthouse to watch the ferry leave. The kids waved and waved, sure that they saw Lauren up by the railing(?). They had a great time running over the rocks and checking out the little pools of water. I, on the other hand, suffered many panic attacks as they got too close...or even remotely near...the edge of the rock cliffs. I am getting worse as I get older I think because I have these irrational fears of the kids falling. I can't control their every move anymore (could I ever, ha) and they are just a little too adventuous for my liking. Despite my paranoia, I did manage to get some great photos.

It makes me a little sad to think that the end is near for all these fun summer time outings with the fall chill creeping into the air. But then I dig out my cinnamon, apple and pumpkin candles and set up my fall decorations and the exitement starts for the next season. That's why I love Nova Scotia. Oh, its fun to visit all those warm, exotic places but I would miss the drastic changes from one season to the next. While I will again complain about the long cold winter, I wouldn't change it for anything. This is home.