Chemo # 5

Well chemo number 5 is done!! My LAST and FINAL chemo is scheduled for October 20! This one went well except for the fact that my chart went MIA on route between my Ocologist appointment (1st floor) and the chemo pharmacy (11th floor), where they review my chart and prepare the chemo drugs, thus my chemo was delayed by 2 hours. No big deal, it eventually got sorted out. I have to confess that I am actually feeling physically okay at the moment so I am optimistic that this is going to be a good one.

I have a feeling this is going to be a "pour my heart out" rambling kind of blog because at the moment I an under the influence of some pretty serious drugs and I am feeling kind of down. Okay, I admitted it, but I can honestly say that it is very rare that I let this whole thing get me down. I am usually a very upbeat person who finds a weird sense of humour in most everything. I find it funny that people think I am some kind of wonderwoman going through this when I am just a mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, etc. doing what she needs to do. I don't see the point of moaning and complaining about something that is beyond my control.

I guess this is where the problem comes in. I admit it, I am somewhat of a control freak (oh, this is a night of revelations!). I am "controlling" this by learning and reading everything I can about breast cancer and treatments, etc. I want to be informed and know what is going on. I deal so much better when I know what to expect and today I was blind sided by something I should have known. Maybe I knew and just didn't process it. I am a literal person so if you beat around the bush or try the subtle approach I probably won't get it (maybe that is a blonde thing, teehee) so if it wasn't in plain english I might have missed it.

I met with the lady leading the radiation study I am considering. She went over the consent form and study guidelines. She outlined the followup protocol which includes measurements of my arms, bloodwork, xrays and mammagrams over a 5 year period. It got me to thinking about the fact that once all my treatments are over there is no more testing. I have had CAT scans, bone scans and every kind of xray going to rule out cancer in other parts of my body. This confirms that the breast cancer is the only detectable tumor and the primary cancer site. But once every thing is done they don't followup with any of these tests to see if there is a reoccurance anywhere within the "five year" cancer free mark!

You see the cancer could be there now but on the microscopic level hence the chemothereapy to provide a systemic treatment to my whole body. But because of the type of cancer I have they have given me a 25% chance of reoccurance. Meaning I have a 1 in 4 chance the chemo won't work and these cancer cells could grow somewhere else in my body. It usually goes to the best blood source, the liver, bones, brain or lungs. I have always said that if that happens, well it's just another hurdle and we will fight that too. So today I asked my Oncologist if they don't do any testing how will they know if it comes back, other than any symtoms I might experience? I mean, its best to find these things early right?

His answer is what floored me....if it comes back, it doesn't matter if they find it one month or 3 months later, the result is the same, it is terminal!

Whoo, where is that in all the books I read. Did everyone know this but me! But wait, it's okay, because sometimes they can help women with metastic cancer live 10 or 15 years (this is said with a great deal of sarcasim on my part!). You know, if I was 70 or 80 this would fill me with a sense of relief but at 38 I'm not feeling it.

They can help me with any cancer side effects I might have, like pain, but there is no further treatment available. The reason makes sense once he explained it to me. Once cancer spreads to another area, like the bones, it doesn't become bone cancer, it is still breast cancer. If they biopsy the bone, it contains breast tissue and breast cancer cells not bone cancer cells. Bone cancer is not just because it is located in the bone it is because it is a totally different kind of cancer. So it won't respond to bone cancer treatment because it is still breast cancer. Right now they are hitting me with their best...or worse...stuff and if it doesn't work now at the microscopic stage it's not going to. Does that all make sense? I find it fascinating but I always loved biology and stuff like that. I just wish it wasn't my body it was happening to.

So if I had been prepared for his answer I might not be having such a hard time with the answer. While I am trying to get my "head around it" my heart is telling me to have faith. To not lean on what the doctors or my head is saying but on what Jesus teaches me. So I need to go pray and find comfort in the Lord because no matter how wonderful everyone in my life is, noone and nothing can provide what the Lord can.

"Do not worry about anything; instead pray about everything." Phil 4:6 (thanks for the verse, Annette :o) I needed it tonight).

I'm sure I am going to be mortified tomorrow when I am feeling more like myself and I read this but for now it has helped a little to ramble.
Love to all for your support and prayers.